monitored. I would look at them and literally get sick to my stomach. The idea that at that moment other women were going through the hell I just went through churned my belly. Of course at the time I didnt realize many people have great experiences and most don't have the kind of birth I did. That has since passed as when I went in a week later and then two weeks later to see the lactation consultant, those monitors didn't bother me. Now when I see
pregnant people I feel that yucky belly feeling. I pray for them and hope they have it easy. In my mind I am terrified for them. My friend shared with me she will be trying for another and in my head I'm thinking WTF is wrong with you????? Who would choose to go through that again? Then i have to remind myself that most have a better experience. I know my thoughts and feelings are irrational and I too will one day, far far away want another......at least thats what Ryan says :)
I definitely feel cheated of that birthing experience I always envisioned. Of course I am grateful Lucas is healthy and that he was given the best care when he was born. I would have it no other way. BUT....I wanted him to enter this world and placed on my chest. I wanted to cry as I stared at him and watch Ryan stare at him. Instead I stared at the pediatric team working on him while I cried in fear. That intimate moment that makes the struggles of labor melt away was taken from me. As a parent you would do anything to make your little one healthy and happy. I gave up that moment, not by choice and would do it all over again. I stare at him and can't believe that we
created him and that even though he had a rough start, he is having an amazing start to life at home with his family. I do hope that WHEN we decide for another and are lucky enough to get pregnant, that it will go smoother and I will have that birth experience I had always imagined. That will never overshine Lucas' birth, his is surely one implanted in the front of my memory even though i try to push it slightly back.
1 comment:
Well said my friend and appropriate for it being only one month. But, the mind has this great thing called Repression which blurs the pain one experiences from situations. While I have not experienced childbirth nor nursing, two experiences I envy, I have had a number of extremely painful experiences. With time, the agony and instensity associated with the memories of the pain has dulled. This is a survival mechanism I am glad we have built in to us. Like many women before you who have had painful birth experiences, the memory of pain will dull and be far less intense. Fortunately this happens, for if it didn't the world would be a lot less populated. Be Well.
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